neverforeverdotnet

“I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.”

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Gary :: Apr.29.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

not much motivation to do creative writing, so here are the dirty facts.

just spent nearly 3 hours rescuing the desktop. something was really wrong…. it took 20 mins to boot up, and when it finally did, everything ran soooooo sloooowwwwwlllyyyyy….. the time between my clicking on the start button and the menu actually appearing onscreen was a good ten minutes. meanwhile, some unknown process kept eating away at my clock cycles. HDD swapping like crazy. when i checked, i found the system idle process taking up a mere 20% of the cpu load, even while i was doing absolutely nothing. some svchost.exe was eating up a good 80-99% of the cpu time. gave a call to weijian, who helped me check up on this mysterious app. turned out it ran dlls or some such thing. also discovered norton av couldn’t initialize it’s email protection. this initially convinced me some trojan was wrecking havoc on my usually-pristine system.

turned out i was wrong. i think. for some strange reason both my network adaptors had become repulsive to the system, and any dns lookup or any form of init call to either of them resulted in a lot of swapping and serious slowdowns.

tried using system restore twice. one to 7 days ago and the other to 15 days ago. both didn’t work, so was forced to pop in the xp cd to restore the defective windows installation. wasn’t a full re-install, thank god, but still took some time. problem disappeared like magic but i don’t think i’ll ever know what went wrong.

updated and scanned the entire comp for viruses. the only ones i found were those in my collection. none out running loose.

very, very weird.

Gary :: Apr.26.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

just finished shallow hal. gwyneth paltrow looked really cute. no, not the fat version… don’t be cheeky. and just as i’m about to go to bed, gavin msges about watching view from the top at 11.10… another gwyneth paltrow film! would like to go but… the… bed… calls…

haven’t slept all night… gonna die soon.

<a href=”http://www2.filmweb.no/multimedia/archive/00010/Gwyneth_Paltrow_Wall_10868k.jpg”>sighhhhh. click here to see a pic from the movie.</a>

Gary :: Apr.24.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

i’ve been playing quite a bit of Silent Hill 2, and studying in my free time. =)

Ranks up there with the sandman in my personal opinion… and that takes quite a lot. Freaky, disturbing nightmare disguised as a game. Mmmm…. Not to mention the 5 different endings. I’ve only got one so far, so looks like i’ll be playing this for some time yet. The whole game is filled with obscure symbolism, and with a story so open ended, the collective imagination of thousands of fans worldwide keeps the experience going long after you’ve uninstalled the thing.

if you haven’t played this before go do it. NOW. i loved the story…. you will too. damn saddening when maria dies. sigh.

Gary :: Apr.23.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

my bio cycle has been thrown totally out of whack over the past week. i’ve been sleeping early in the morning, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 8, and not waking till around 2 or 3. for the last two days it’s been slightly worse - bedtime at noon and waking at 5+ or even 6. sometimes mid-day naps come after dinner, and i wake again at around 10.30..

sometimes i have dinner, sometimes i don’t. sometimes dinner at 10+. sometimes i have breakfast, sometimes i don’t. sometimes i have supper, sometimes i don’t. while i was home over the weekends i ate more than what i normally would consume in three days here, assuming one meal a day.

i feel weird. i don’t even know how to define a “day” anymore. my life has become nothing more than a series of 24 hour periods. last night my body rebeled. been struck by these strange dizzy attacks for the past couple of days, and i put it down to nothing more than lack of proper sleep. at around 3 last night, it came again. this time it was coupled with slight nausea, mild depression, and a total sudden disinterest in whatever i happened to be engaged in at that time.

i went to bed by 3.30, and spent the next 12 and a half hours in restless slumber. the moment i lay down, i felt my pulse rate increase. breathing became laboured, and the world started to swim. then the nightmares started. nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. woke more times than i could count. i vaguely remember the words “vermillion” and “crimson” smeared in blood somewhere. people chasing me. also vaguely aware of roommate leaving the room in the early morning. twice. thrice. god knows why.

tried to wake at 11+, and the moment i sat up, the giddy spell came back, follwed by a severe thumping in the back of my skull, so i hit the pillow again. woken at 1+ by the grasscutters. that did nothing to help the headache. they disappeared after about half an hour, and i didn’t wake again till about 3.45.

i dreamt these words last night. someone asked me in my dream why i was feeling so screwed, and i said:

<center><i>”I have lost my self. Not myself, but my self. My sense of self. I no longer know who I am, and what I am supposed to do.”</i></center>

I want my life back.

Gary :: Apr.22.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

Frankly, reading this scares the shit out of me. The whole article is so damned long… so i’ll just summarize:
<ulist>
<li>Narcolepsy is a neurological condition that causes patients to have excessive sleepiness during the day combined with recurring episodes of naps, particularly at inappropriate times. Narcoleptics usually first complain of feeling sleepy or tired all the time. Consequently, sufferers tend to fall asleep during the situations when most people would remain awake, like watching an exciting movie or driving.

<li>Cataplexy is a temporary decrease or complete loss of muscle control triggered by a strong emotion such as laughing, anger, or surprise. It can range from a weakness in the knees to a complete “rag doll” collapse to the ground.

<li>sleep paralysis, a brief loss of muscle control that occurs as they are drifting to sleep or awakening. While somewhat aware of the surroundings, patients are unable to move or speak.

<li>Another symptom of narcolepsy may include automatic behavior, or performing tasks and activities without recollection of the event. Essentially, it is a “black out” during wakefulness; the person may actually be asleep with his or her eyes open. Repeated nighttime awakenings, double vision, trouble concentrating, and memory loss are also common symptoms of narcolepsy.

<li>Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) is a neurological disorder in which patients experience irrepressible sensations in the legs or arms while sitting or lying still. Terms used to describe RLS may include creepy, crawly, pulling, tingling, itching, or gnawing. Temporary relief is often obtained by moving the affected limbs. Patients have been known to walk around the house for hours, unable to stop and get to sleep.

<b><u>Parasomnias</u></b>

<li>Sleepwalking, also called somnambulism, is when a person is able to perform complicated actions, including walking, while in deep sleep.Sleepwalkers are usually unable to remember the activity. Most sleepwalkers appear awake, with their eyes wide open and dilated.

<li>Sleep Talking - Occasionally, a person may shout out a word or two of gibberish or even recite an entire speech during their sleep. Sleep talking that occurs during REM sleep is understandable, while talking in Stage 2 Sleep is usually garbled. Sleep talking, or somniloquy, is harmless and usually temporary. The sleeper usually has no memory of their action and it does not affect sleep.

<li>Sleep terrors, also called pavor nocturnus or night terrors, are the most extreme and dramatic of the parasomnias. This disorder is marked by a sudden arousal and a piercing scream or shouting. The person who has a sleep terror will have signs of intense fear, such as wide eyes with dilated pupils, racing heart, sweating, and rapid breathing. It is not uncommon for a person experiencing a sleep terror to jump out of bed, run around agitated, or hurt themselves and/or others. Fighting is also common and may result in harm to the sleeper or bed partner.

<li>Sleep specialists term a “bad dream” a nightmare if the sleeper is aroused from REM sleep and can recall the dream, often in great detail. A nightmare is composed of a very vivid and frightening dream.

<li>Grinding of teeth, or bruxism, is a common nighttime occurrence. In fact, 80 to 90% of children and adults grind or clench their teeth during sleep. It is more common in children. Chronic teethgrinding, however, occurs in less than 5% of adults.

<li>Sleep-eating: a rare variation of sleepwalking. This disorder is characterized by recurrent episodes of eating during sleep, without conscious awareness. It is most common in young women. Sleep eaters are also at risk for the same health complications as compulsive overeaters, with the added dangers of sleepwalking. Common concerns include excessive weight gain, daytime sleepiness, choking while eating, sleep disruption, and injury from cooking or preparing food such as from knives, utensils, or hot cooking surfaces. There is also the potential for starting a fire. As with sleepwalkers, sleep eaters are unaware and unconscious of their behavior. If there is any memory of the episode, it is usually sketchy. A sleep eater will roam the house, particularly the kitchen, and may eat large quantities of food (as well as non-food items). In the morning, sleep eaters have no recollection of the episode.

<li>Hypnagogic hallucinations: episodes of dreaming while awake. Common in narcoleptics, but also seen in sleep-deprived individuals.

<li>Nocturnal seizures: seizures during sleep that cause the victim to cry, scream, or walk; usually treated with medication.

<li>REM behavior disorder: the paralysis that normally occurs during rapid eye movement sleep is incomplete or absent, allowing the sleeper to “act out” dreams.

<li>Rhythmic-movement disorder: most frequently seen in young children, it results in recurrent head banging and body rocking. Behavioral treatments may be effective in severe cases.

</ulist>

Gary :: Apr.20.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

bored to the bone…

just finished Maid In Manhattan… yes, i <i>know</i>. if you don’t have anything nice to comment about just… <i>don’t</i>.

modern day cinderella story. pretty watchable actually…

right.. time to sleep now.

Gary :: Apr.19.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

according to lee lim, i have officially joined the ranks of the undead. which is kinda true. all i ever see of the mornings nowadays comes in the form of a subtle red glow through my eyelids, as i try to knock off for the er… 24 hour period. no conventional time-descriptive term seems to fit anymore. i sleep days and wake nights. sometimes if i’m really tired i sleep evenings too. and nights. the only thing i DON’T do is study while the sun is up. wtf.

forgot to mention another shitty thing that happened to me yesterday. i spilt shampoo all over the floor. yup. that’s it.

also, think i’m falling sick. seriously.

Gary :: Apr.17.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

bought a flight stick two days ago; sidewinder force feedback 2 ($120). have wasted many hours of potential study time on FS 2002. my favourite is a boeing 777 on the direct IFS route from Singapore Changi to Kuala Lumpur Int’l. takes a good 30-40 mins to complete… just can’t bring myself to fly inter-continental. somehow the concept of reaching cruising altitude, setting the autopilot then checking back 10 hours later doesn’t appeal to me. and yes, i do know about time compression, but it’s a SIM… hence i like real time. now sue me.

yesterday sucked. went all the way to the printing place to collect the newsletters, only to find out that he didn’t want to issue an invoice, so had to trek ALL THE WAY back to the mrt station to draw cash, then ALL THE WAY back to pay up.

struggling with 500 copies of the thing is no laughing matter. distributed them at night, and managed to slice my finger with the penknife. had to be extra careful after that to avoid delivering bloodstained lexicons.

studied in can b from 11 to aboiut 4.10… came back and took to the skies with gavin until around 9.30.. fell asleep, and now here i am.

Gary :: Apr.17.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »

just returned from studying at canteen b. actually came back around 45 mins ago, but dropped by gavin’s room to retun him the photos and borrow some stuff.

quite a productive night. am content.

Gary :: Apr.15.2003 :: Old Deadjournal posts :: No Comments »